high school: a sexually saturated waste of time
I learned a lot in high school, but it wasn’t Math and Science. I spent one year in a small high school in Northwest Arkansas. I spent another three in a large high school in Central Indiana. Ultimately, they both provided me with the same learning opportunities, despite an enormous difference in financial resources.
High school was saturated with sex, and I absorbed it. We had teachers who patrolled the halls during passing periods to break up make-out sessions and unlace the locked fingers of sweethearts. That was small potatoes. Every class session I attended was so filled with hormones that I would run home and either binge on junk food because I believed I was a failure as a female, or I would plan the next best way to lose weight by starving myself. My freshman year of high school I spent not eating. At home, I would either jump rope or ride my bike in my front yard for hours in order to get down to an attractive size. I entered 9th grade in a size 14. I left it near a size 8, maybe smaller. My hip bones jutted out and my ribs protruded. It was an unnatural size for me. Right now, at a size 10, my ribs are visible. I was anorexic. I skipped breakfast and lunch everyday and ate an apple or a few bits of this and that until a friend at school sat on my and forced food down my throat. That moment, when I realized I was hurting myself, and the sophomore English class where Nathan took the seat in front of me–those were the two best things I took away from high school.I once had a Biology class where one girl (unwittingly?) entertained all the hormone-stricken boys in the room by eating a lollipop daily. Other classes had more sexually overt content. In Journalism, one girl shouted loudly when she discovered semen down the leg of her pants from her interlude with her boyfriend the night before. She was 16 or 17.
I was invited to a party with 15 year olds when I was 16. They expected me to play “Seven Minutes in Heaven.” I was locked in a room in someone’s basement with a boy I didn’t know that I was supposed to get as far as I could with while the timer ticked away. We spent the time in lawn chairs around a table discussing his girlfriend. A week later, I was talking to the girl who had invited me to the party. Her friend passed by, disheveled and looking sore. They had a brief exchange. The girl came back to me.
“Is she okay?”
“Yeah, she’s great. She gave it up to her boyfriend last night. He’s 21. If she didn’t do it soon, he would have left her. He’s hot. I would have given it up too.” At 15. Also, the girl speaking had “given it up” at least a year before, I believe.
I was regularly groped in the hallways. Because I had them, my breasts and butt were fair game. One boy once handled my chest and kissed me. I punched him and reported it to a teacher. His brother apologized to my father. Another boy had no recompense after he straddled me (I was seated on the floor) and forced his tongue into my mouth. He figured since we were both Lebanese, it was okay. I shoved him away just as his mom came around the corner. She was privy to me yelling at him in the middle of the library.
I had a female friend who wanted to try making out with me.
Students read poetry in class about their first sexual experiences. Their work was applauded.
One girl confided her pregnancy to me. Out of fear or shame, she later told me she’d had an abortion. I watched her stomach grow all year before she was relocated to the alternative school.
I knew too many people who were raped.
A group of cheerleaders for wrestling was caught having an orgy with the wrestlers after a meet.
A boy was molested with a shampoo bottle in the locker rooms after swim practice. A lawsuit was filed.
One boy took my friends and I for a drive to his hometown. He’d stowed beer in his car. He parked under a bridge and began guzzling it. He cried and told us how a girl forced him and his friend to have sex with her repeatedly when he was ten. He had an eating disorder. He was deeply scarred. We listened, then packed him into his back seat and drove him home.
After I graduated, a popular teacher rode his bike out on a popular trail and ate his gun. He’d had an affair with one of his students.
There’s so much more.
I question keeping girls and boys in the same classes at this age. More time was spent swapping numbers and spit, even in a top-rated high school, than learning. Most of my learning was about how sex rules the world. Not invaluable, but I could have been learning Math. I’d like to know Math. I could have also been learning Grammar. Have you noticed I’m very poor at it? I could have been learning how to plan a festival, or plant a garden, build furniture. All of those were options for coursework, but how much knowledge was actually taken away from the courses? Pretty close to none.
This was my experience. I realize not all schools are this way. I wrote this little bit up because it’s come to mind as I think of another reason to homeschool. So many people ask, “But what will you do about the high school years?” My answer is: Most likely, I will do better than was done by me, even though I graduated an award-winning high school and I participated in the Honors program. It is my humble opinion that high school should be a time for more than social learning, and can be spent in a state other than perpetual self defense.
July 31st, 2009 at 11:11 am
I went to a mixed secondary school (age 11-18). However, it was a small, private Catholic school. Not that the majority of students were practising Catholics, or anything.
I think smaller class sizes significantly reduce the amount of sexual tension. One, the teacher can keep a closer eye on things, and also, fewer ‘distractions’.
Also, girls and boys had separate locker rooms, which meant less free-mixing outside of class. Though it still happened, of course.
I wasn’t good looking enough, or cool enough, to hang around with the ‘loose’ crowd (thank Allah), so I don’t know the full extent of what went on. But I never heard of any teen pregnancies, or any of the bad things you’ve mentioned.
I really don’t think I would have survived the typical American high school experience.
Home schooling is fine for kids and teens… but now College/University is just as bad. One can only pray that they fall in with the ‘good crowd’ wherever they are, insha’Allah.
July 31st, 2009 at 11:38 am
Have you guys thought of sending the boys to an Islamic school? I have mixed feelings about them, but one thing is for sure — stick your tongue in someone’s mouth, and you’ll likely be expelled.
I get what you’re saying about how you want Noah to understand feelings more than consequences, but don’t they teach that in school too? I was a summer camp counselor (my kids were ages 3 to 6) for three years during the summer when I’d come home from school, and we always, always explained to children that concept you’re talking about where you show how someone else felt by your actions, rather than saying, “Shut up is a bad word.”
Maybe it’s the type of school you send Noah to — it’s a good thing that you’re talking with the directors so candidly.
But moving on to more important things — were you and Nathan high school sweethearts? Because if so, you seriously need to post about your three weddings WITH pictures, details, and a please take us with you on a romantic trip down memory lane!!
July 31st, 2009 at 3:07 pm
There are so many reasons to home school. I’ve some statistics about the growing rate of home schooling from a radio show (will listen to it again and write it down).
Who you want your kids to socialize with is a huge factor in why many home school. It’s a new idea to have kids socialized only with kids there own age for 8hrs a day. I’d rather my children learn from my family and friends. I choose the activities and playgroups they are involved with. This sets a strong base for when they enter college, where hopefully they make smart choices.
Plus, there so much more to teach and do, than all the busy work of school. Do small children really need 8hrs of formal teaching? But I regress.
Take care!
July 31st, 2009 at 7:02 pm
i have to be honest, when i read the title, i laughed a little coz i thought it was gonna be funny even if in an ironic way. but then i as i read more i felt sadder and sadder. schools are supposed to have a safe and nurturing environment. or maybe i’m just really naive. i went to school in Singapore where secondary school lasts 4 years (age 13 to 16) and high school lasts 2 years (age 17 & 18). even though all high schools in Singapore are co-ed, i went to an all-girls secondary school. I LOVED my school experience. so much so that it’s crossed ridwan and my minds many times that when we have kids in the future, to move back to singapore for a few years so they can do their secondary schooling there… we’ll see, easier said than done, of course.
July 31st, 2009 at 10:31 pm
SubhanAllah!
I am shocked. By my seventh birthday I was shipped to Egypt with my mother and enrolled in all girls British academy. I attended the school until my Junior then and later transferred to a public highschool here.
It was a horrific experience for me. I wasn’t used to the sex, sex, sex. I was shocked at everything around me and by my senior year I was close to dropping school all together. As every teen, I found a way to cope by throwing myself in my religion. I took my beliefs to the extreme to comfort myself from the evils around me.
My senior year was awful. The kids knew I never showed up to school. I managed to save my grades enough to pass but nothing great. It was a depressing stage of my life and I am so glad it’s over!
August 1st, 2009 at 12:22 pm
This is sad. Really sad.
Last month I was working with a young Pakistani woman and was SHOCKED by the things she told me about Pakistan and the schools and colleges there. She often came to work stoned or recovering from a hangover. she partied all night on weekends with Pakistani superstars (actors/sportsmen). It was awful. The tales she told me about young people there were not any less horrifying. She taught in a school in Dubai for a year and had similar tales about Muslim Arab boys and girls. Boys as young as 13 skipping school to visit prostitutes; girls making out in locker rooms – sheesh! Homosexuality is very normal amongst the youth in many Muslim societies. It isn’t all that great here either, but of course its not like you describe either.
I was talking to my high school friend who is still in England and she was telling me how her daughter who is only 12 is all hormonal and has friends who are sexually active and then she said something that broke my heart, she said “find me a job in the GCC. Even if she is sexually active with girls there, at least she won’t be knocked up!”
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:09 am
Sorry to be getting back to these comments so late! It looks like we all had varied experiences. I think sex and adolescence are natural companions, so it’s hard to get away from in any high school setting. The biggest factors seem to be what the culture will accept publicly. I mean, we were policed with regards to our relationships to one another (boys and girls) because it was EXPECTED we’d be engaged in certain types of relationships, so making out publicly or other sexual acts seemed normal, expected and accepted even while they were discouraged.
I believe it’s entirely possible to set a child up to fail. If you approach them saying, “I’m watching you because I know you’re going to do this. You’re just that kind of kid.” Well, why should an adolescent, who is STILL a child, work to remove that label. In adolescence, you either hide or become what’s expected of you. But this is neither here nor there.
iMuslim–I did have the experience that smaller was the same as larger. My first high school was small and had all the problems of the big one without the knowledge of birth control. It was also one of the top-ranked in its state. But perhaps the “religious’ setting allowed for more stringency and different expectations? Or perhaps you are talking about a teacher to student ratio. That could greatly impact things.
Sabrina–There are no Islamic schools here, and we’re not fond of the idea of religious institutions for various reasons. Maybe I’ll post on those. It’s just that it’s hard to find a place that teaches Islam and not culture, or teaches Islam without enforcing something we don’t believe to be true (i.e. Doritos are haraam). Mostly we’re afraid of having someone shut down our children’s willingness to learn by teaching them there is no flexibility in their faith. They need to be able to think critically and so on. Again, perhaps an in-depth post. Islam will be a component of homeschooling, and insha’Allah our kids will have the chance to learn from scholars or take seminars with us in a formal setting.
And a post on Nathan’s and my relationship! LOL
Megan–Exactly! I don’t think small children need any formal teaching at all. In fact, I think the less “teaching” we do, the more our kids will learn. I mean, modeling is the key, and keeping doors open. I believe teaching, while well-intended, more often closes doors. More on unschooling coming too.
Elia–Good plan!
Organica–Alhumdulillah. I’m glad you found a way to cope. I didn’t know Islam at that time despite being born Muslim. I learned it on my own, and I think it was also my way of coping. I believed that certain things were right and true–I had a set of core values, and those led me to my faith and my husband. Alhumdulillah!
Suroor–I will MISS your blog.
It’s really shocking what your friend said, but I’ve heard the like. Sadly, I pared my thoughts down for this post. My experience was pretty severe. People think if you’re not involved, you should be, and virginity is something to get rid of. If you do get rid of it, you’re labeled as loose. If you don’t, you’re a prude. There’s so much pressure. I have a friend who arranged to lose her virginity in college with another friend. A friend’s roommate arrived her Freshman year of college stating her objective was to “get rid of it as soon as possible.” She did. Her roommate walked in on her the first week. It seems like chastity in the West is the oppression of children by parents, and “coming of age” has become synonymous with “first sexual experience.”
I wanted to mention that this is just one facet of why I think high school is a waste of time. There are many, many, many more reasons. This is a big one though. Who can learn when their body is raging with hormones so hard that the scrawny, nose-picking, zit-covered boy next to looks like Hercules?
Also, I’m going to try getting rid of captcha again. I get majorly spammed when I do, but we’ll see.
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
The religious school thing is a canard. When I was younger girls who went to religious schools, and hence were in sex segregated situations, were known. You can segregate them in school, but when they get out of school for the day, what then? It is a societal issue.
Both of my younger sister in laws went to a private Islamic school here in the DC area run by the Saudi government. Sex was there too, straight and lesbian/gay as well. There is no getting around it.
I think the best that we can do, as parents, is give our children the tools to deal with the issues and set them up with enough self respect that they arent enticed to get involved in the stuff. That……and lots of prayer.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:11 am
wow.. thanks for this brief insight into your high school years.. personally after much research I find that single sex schools are best for kids, educationally and emotionally. But then that all depends on what happens outside of school, and you cant stop kids from talking right?! you thought what you will do with Noah and Gaby when they are this age? what type of schools? I pray you make the right decision, which I have no doubt you wont
August 5th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Abu Sinan– I think we’re on the same page with religiuos school. Plus, the people I know who attended them either shifted away from their faith or don’t know anything about their religion or any other subject. Mostly, they’re focused on the politics of what they weren’t allowed to do. It’s really disappointing.
Ammena–I intend to homeschool. We might keep the kids in Montessori for preschool through grade 6, but I highly doubt they’ll do more than preschool. I’m not even sure we’ll keep Noah in for more than one year. I haven’t found a solution I’m okay with other than homeschool for the high school years because I want my children to have self-determination when it comes to their education. . . Insha’Allah the right decision will be clear.
August 5th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
This post really reminded me of my high school days. Gosh, people are really messed up aren’t they? So scared for my 3 daughters, you have no idea. One thing they will never do is ride a bus to school. My Lord, the stuff that happened JUST on the bus……..
grrrrr….
Maybe I can have a human sized hamster ball made for all 3 of them. That would work, right?