it’s me or him
For awhile there I was in the green. I found parenting fun, rewarding, spectacular. My days overflowed with the shiny gold coins of parenting success. I loved it so much, I wanted another child. Then came Three.
I have seen bad parents. Truly horrific parents. I know what not to do. The problem I’m facing now is that I have no idea what is right to do. With Noah. I just don’t know what to do with Noah. This stresses me out. And as I get more stressed out, he gets more stressed out. Noah’s intense to begin with. Like his mother and father before him, with Noah you need to walk a very fine line to keep him from freaking out. And since the staples, that line has been ever finer. There are fears to be avoided. Scaries everywhere. They propel him down hallways into our bed or our arms at all hours of the day and night. Often, it’s simple to locate their origin. Frequently he heard us mention that he was scared or the word “scared.” Other times it’s due to sibling jealousies.
I’m failing him. I’m raising my voices and physically removing him in a hurry. I’m not going slow, having him move himself, giving him trust or the benefit of the doubt. The poor behavior, for both of us, is only accelerating.
I try to remember the Islamic etiquette of childrearing: Children are guests in our houses and should be treated accordingly. Would we invite someone over then yell at them for messing up? Would we have them in our house and hold them forcibly in a chair while loudly enumerating their faults? Would we tell them they are doing things all wrong, freeze them out if they didn’t like what we fed them? I wouldn’t treat a guest that way, but here I am frustrating my own child with the very responses my own faith eschews.
I spent a good part of my morning chewing my lower lip. I was trying to determine which of us had the behavioral issues. I knew it was one of us. I started researching disorders for his age group. I was certain it was him. But then I find parents reporting the same behaviors with their three-year-olds, and professionals advising the parents seek help for learning how to properly deal with their child’s frustrations. A lot of the time it’s just the child responding to the stresses of the adults, or to the introduction of new siblings and reduced one-on-one time with parents.
It’s me. It’s got to be me. Noah is aggressive. Sure. But his frustrations have clear roots. On good days, when I can keep up with him, he’s a really sweet-tempered boy. Most days I’m just struggling. Overtired, overanxious, ready to have a break from it all. Today I woke up and didn’t even want to do the whole parenting thing. I just wanted to walk out the door, find a coffee shop or some other quiet, child-free zone and do something for myself. My thoughts shifted back and forth between that and figuring out the exact number of days before we could enroll Noah in preschool. Somehow, I need to find a sense of balance. Not sure how yet, but I’ll keep you posted.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I promise that you are not alone. I too never realized how difficult age three would be as we approach closer to John’s B-Day.
I too find myself yelling, grabbing to come here or listen, and just throwing my hands up with frustration. Then I feel guilty ’cause I am pregnant and stressing my baby inside of me, then it becomes a horrible cyle.
So, I am trying to really write out a routine. What works for all of us. This is difficult when you are just trying to accomplish all those daily chores and suprises (poopy diapers, spills, pulling random things form shelves, etc.)
In addition, I have the boys help me with daily chores that I have written for each day. If I wash dishes, I pull up chairs. If I am sweeping the floor, which is constant. I get out a our little vaccuum cleaner for them to help. I go through each room with them and we pick up. They love to throw away, dust, and yes, even put laundry into the washer.
It is my goal to have them help me and accomplish everything by 10AM, so I can spend time with them or heck, put a movie on so I can have that hour before we start making lunch before we head to Mass.
We’re still working on afternoons, for as you know naps are always iffy for both boys.
Is there a Mom’s Day some where you could drop off Noah that respect your upbringing and morals?
Oh, I feel for you. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
Take Care.
February 26th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
It does get easier! But I’ll be honest – it may get a little worse before it gets better. Dudelette is finally starting to turn into a more civilised little boy (though still a control freak) but boys have that testosterone search at 3 to 5 that just seems to leave them like little sociopaths for 75% of the day. But it does get better – and they’re still our babies!
The aggressions thing – I find that horrendously frustrating, especially since so much of it is directed at me, seemingly (supermum notices this too). But it’s about control and his lack of it. But it’s hard. But it ISN’T YOU! None of it!
February 27th, 2009 at 5:21 am
Oh, Shawna! Poor you. Inshallah it will get better.
Alhamdulliah, and it is by no means my achievement, I have never experienced this with any one of my three children. When parents talk about aggression and anger and tantrums, I feel left out. Thank God for that. I did nothing but they are maybe not that type. Now if kids are that type then why not my kids? It means they are different from the normal. I’ll tell you what I may have done differently.
One thing I have noticed is that children need company – of their age. You can spend the whole day with them doing things, making things, being a pal but you can’t be a pal. That is why twins are rarely causing problems. All of my kids were given company of their age group as young as 8 months old. All of them spent up to 4 hours, twice a week in a crèche with kids their age. They learnt to talk faster, developed they motor skills faster, and are very imaginative.
They got tired and slept well after coming home. In the crèche they were taught to sleep instantly when tired, eat on their own and finish the meal, sit independently and play rather than want to be carried all the time. It really worked well.
Socialization is very important and because it wasn’t every day they neither got bored with us, nor the crèche. Children get bored of looking at the same faces all day long and they need to really tire their minds and bodies (which is easier for us adults but takes longer for children) before they can settle down.
If despite all this your boy is aggressive then mashAllah he has a lot of energy that needs more burning. Also, do nothing when you want his attention. Get down on your knees to his head level, grab him gently by his shoulders, look straight into his eyes and tell him what you want to say. Tell him if he didn’t listen to you he would be hurting your heart.
I think we are too pulpy with our kids. We give in too much. We try to be too gentle and sweet -always thinking we are to blame. I am a better parent than my parents and if my kids still don’t behave the way I want then they are to blame
February 27th, 2009 at 5:58 am
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February 27th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Thank you so much for these thoughts and suggestions! I think I will join a mommy’s group so Noah can have weekly playdates. It’s just not working out with my Muslim community, and he needs to be with kids his age. I think that will also lend more structure to our weeks. I do think more structure is needed.
It’s hard not to blame myself. I think I’ve been less of a parent and more of an enforcer lately, ready to turn loving eyes on the baby but not so easily on Noah.
Suroor–what do you do if you tell them it will hurt your heart and they still refuse? Noah likes to try to hurt sometimes to see what will happen. He feels remorse, but his curiosity often gets the better of him. A lot of times we just look at pictures of people or animals crying in his books. He’s very fascinated by this emotion.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:34 am
We will also be pursuing a montessori-type preschool in the next few months. And a YMCA summer camp that is sport-related. I think Noah would do well with gymnastics classes, and as soon as he’s four we’ll enroll him in martial arts, assuming he’s interested. (Two more car payments and the Vibe is ours, God willing!)
Noah does have a LOT of energy to burn, but he needs a calming focus. I think martial arts could provide that. Not having had an example of calm parents, I’m often at a loss as to how I should give him this example. I do usually get on eye level and speak to him softly. I use my hands like visors on either side of his face so he looks toward me. I need to employ that more.
Any suggestions for punishments? I can’t get him to sit in one spot for time-out, and putting him in his room is often not feasible since it’s upstairs.
Again, thank you. I welcome further thoughts and suggestions!
February 27th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
My Ray likes to hurt me too but I am his world. I mean everything to him and recently he had developed this fear that if he hurts me I will die. That has helped
Otherwise, he would hurt me and then say, “Do you still love me?” Knowing I’d say “yes”. So now I say “No” and I hurt him in similar ways, like if he is supposed to take a nap so we can go to the park and he comes out of the room after 20 minutes I make sure I NEVER take him to the park even if it means ruining the afternoon for everyone.
If he hides and takes a toy to school he has been told not to take, I take that toy from him for a week.
Getting them to sit in a corner or go to the room doesn’t help. My kids are allowed an hour of Telly watching so if Ray or even M have been bad, they are not allowed to watch TV that day. It hurts them.
Today I spanked R. He stands on the head rest of a sofa and jumps landing into the glass TV cabinet. I have told him many times not to do it and he did it again today in front of the maid despite her telling him not to do it. I spanked him lightly but in her presence which really hurt his ego. He will remember that forever.
I also tell him if he is bad, baby will learn it and will be bad. That calms him and he behaves.
Do you have a trampoline or little bouncy castle? I have seen that really helps focus boisterous boys. R is thin as a stick and VERY energetic mashallah. I have to keep him focused all the time. I don’t allow him to do things quickly. He has to learn to control his motion and emotion
February 27th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Hi Shawna-
If so, Dr. McDaniel, our pediatrician, is very knowledgeable about behavior issues, and would be able to help you assess Noah. If it is something like ADHD (not that I’m saying it is- just going off the things you mention), then you will be able to address it by looking into parenting techniques specifically for kids with those issues. If not, she can still advise you.
I’m sad to hear how badly you feel about this. It reminds me alot of how I felt and sometimes still feel with Adam. Of course we are always growing and learning as parents, so we always have room for improvement. But you are an awesome mom, and you are doing your best. Trust your intuition about your kids. If you think something may be going on with him, talk to your pediatrician or moms of kids with similar situations. Playgroups are great places for this. It’s a good chance to compare, in a healthy way, your kids behavior with that of others. Of course all kids are different, but it can be very reassuring to see somebody elses’ kid wigging out over their goldfish crackers spilling. In my case, Adam’s behavior was more extreme than I thought it was, in comparison to other kids, and I ended up wishing I had seen a pediatrician about it sooner. I would encourage you to talk to them about it- do you go to Southern Indiana Peds? From your earlier pic it looked like their office.
As for punishments, I find that removing privileges is more effective than time out or going to their rooms. After all, my kids rooms are filled with toys, so there’s no punishment there! I take away tv or movies, games, etc. If you are planning to go to the park, and he misbehaves, give him a warning that if he does it again, the park with be canceled. Then follow through. No second and third and fourth chances. This is something I had to learn the hard way with my kids. Otherwise they know you don’t mean it.
I’m rambling, and I’m sorry if any of my “advice” sounds pushy or presumptuous. I don’t know everything or much, really, and you know your kid best. But I’m here for ya, anytime.
Sarah
February 27th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Punishments. Hmm. Removing privileges, definitely – but I think you need to balance it with achievable rewards. ‘Star’ or sticker charts do work but they really need to be at least 4 – three is a little young, I think. Time out in his room has one great advantage – it gives you time to calm down and plot your next move and even though the toys are there, it deprives him of the one thing all this is about – getting your attention! We did find the naughty corner or step had its advantages from about three and a half – up to that point, it didn’t really work as he didn’t understand he’d been naughty (he’d sit there and after a minute, we’d start to hear this abstracted little hum, Pooh-like).
ADHD – that’s such an emotive issue. I suspect all three to five year old boys have some of these issues and the brighter they are, the worse it is…
February 28th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Thank you so much for all the feedback! What we are doing:
1. Planning on a pre/playschool come Fall. Prior to that, a Summer camp for kids his age that lasts 2-4 weeks and hopefully a weekly athletic class such as swimming he does with his dad.
2. No longer using time-outs. Instead, we offer him three surprises (small cookies) throughout the day and he can lose them for poor behavior. TV privileges are also on the table (2 half hour shows a day–those go first). We’re thinking of instating a visual of the rewards he has so the idea won’t be too abstract.
3. I’m joining a Mom’s club so we’ll have regular playdates with his age group, and I hope to establish a weekly routine involving library, children’s museum, free play at a community center and this play group.
4. Once again, we’re speaking quietly (with suggested eye contact). This has already had the greatest effect. Lowering my tension levels have helped Noah calm down IMMENSELY.
I think this will allow me to contextualize any problems he might have, help him understand consequences and keep myself from feeling frazzled.
July 27th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
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September 8th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
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